Sunday, May 3, 2020

Memoirs of a Mother Dearest

Memoirs of a Mother Dearest

A Poem By ChidiJ

I was 29 years old when Joshua blessed me with his existence.
I fell in love with my son.
Hopelessly, I was smitten by indescribable love.
As I gazed at him for hours unending,
I smiled, amazed by this miracle of new life.
How could I have been so blessed to have birthed such a miracle?
A blank slate, a new existence,
Evolving daily into a human personality.
He was beautiful.

Victoria, another miracle, she came with a message too.
From birth, she loved no one but me.
And she did not hesitate to shout it loud.
For the first three months of her life,
She did not allow grandmother or aunty to hold her.
She wanted me, only mother dearest or there was hell to pay.

Ezra, my joy and my peace,
Laughter incarnate.
He always sneaks a wink or a nod, 
A kiss or a playful lick.
He always returns to home base.

[Returning to home base is the end result 
of the love that pulls children of all ages back
to mother dearest no matter how far they go.]

It always takes me by surprise whenever they call me ‘mommy’.
I am just a girl.
So these three children, are they lost?
One would think that after 9 months of pregnancy,
Followed by another nine months of intense bottle and breastfeeding, 
And three more years of diaper changes and Eskimo kisses,
With precious years of bonding and growing,
After all that time,
One would think that naturally a mother would accept her title and just be mommy.

But don’t forget that for almost thirty years
This “mommy” lived her life differently.
I always loved kids and I surrounded myself with lots of them.
But I still feel like that care free girl.
The one with the flowers embroidered on her favorite jeans.
The girl who wore spaghetti strap tops all year round.
The girl who loves boba in her milk tea.
The girl who fantasized about the one true love with every Celine Dion love song.
I still feel like just a girl.

But they keep calling me mommy.
They follow me around.
They demand my attention.
They demand their dinner.
They are unapologetically bound to me.

How did this happen?
When did this happen?
And where do we go from here?

So, for the first time in almost 11 years,
I have accepted that to Joshua, Victoria, and Ezra,
I am mommy, mother dearest.

To all you girls who find yourselves in this situation,
Scared, confused, or in utter disbelief,
Just breathe.
It's not a dream that you need to awaken from.
You are the pillar.
The lifeline.
The favorite.
The home base.
You are mommy.
Without you, we are forever lost.
You are always loved and cherished,
Mother dearest.

Happy Mothers Day

Photo of us taken Summer 2019

Saturday, May 2, 2020

I've Had It All Along

I've Had It All Along

A Poem by ChidiJ

As I sit still and listen closely
This I see, this I hear.
I love to create.
To form something new from "not much".

It's what drives me
It's who I am, who I've always been.
I've had it all along.

I like nice things but I'm not vain
I am not impressed by fancy name brands
I'm not seeking approval.
Please make it unique, one of a kind, 
And it will be sweet music to my soul.

So, I'll create it.
I'll use the raw materials I already possess.
I'll cut and paste, I'll glue and tie.
I'll see a need and I'll find a way.
With each stitch and knot
I'll bring my hopes and dreams to life.
And enjoy a life more fulfilling.

Same goes for my heart.
My beauty, my worth.
My strength, my "best life".
I'll look within and stop looking elsewhere.
I'll listen and I'll believe 
And I'll create the life I've always wanted
From the raw materials that I've had all along.
For what I sought, what I seek
Has been mine all this while.
Yes, I've had it all along.

Photo by Retha Ferguson from Pexels